Chapter Three

If I think there is something wrong – there is. My Inner Guide had started
screaming before Rael told me about his pedophile history, but as soon
as the words were out of his mouth, I emotionally shut down. His failure
to discipline Jacob and his comment about me in the grocery store were manageable issues that I should have addressed head-on instead of avoiding. But staying with Rael after I found out he had sexually abused a child for six years was an act of total and complete self-betrayal. I did not listen to that inner voice screaming at me.

Instead, I told myself that Rael was a different man from the one who hurt that child. I said it so often and so fervently that I convinced myself of its legitimacy.

For me, saying no to an unhealthy relationship is ten times harder than saying yes to a healthy one. I know I was drawn to Rael because of who he is and the hole in my psyche that I yearned to fill. My relationship with him was my golden opportunity to learn that I have the right at any point to say no to a relationship. I not only have the right, but I have the obligation to say “NO!!!” when I am drawn to an addictive relationship like this one. Clearly, it hooked my old negative core beliefs about who I am, whom I want to please, and whom I deserve as a partner. I am the one who has to set boundaries. I cannot expect someone else to do that for me. Being a pedophile is heinous, but tolerating that behavior means I was willing to forgo the boundaries that would have automatically kicked in if I had been thinking clearly, if I had healthy boundaries in place. Knowing about Rael’s past was not enough to make me break off the relationship. This is where I failed myself.

Listen to my friends, family, and therapist. They have my best interests at heart. While I can see that now, I could not see that at the time. If those around me are telling me to stop and think about what I am doing, they probably have a reason. The greatest lesson in all this is to use my most valuable resources – my instincts and those people who can see things more objectively than I do. Part of drawing on this revenue is paying attention to what they say, which I did not.

If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price. ~Anonymous

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