Whatever I think about I bring about. That has a nice ring to it, but what is the deeper message? Surely just thinking about something does not make it happen. Not immediately, but given enough time it does. When I focus on a particular mindset, be it positive or negative, I look for data to support that perspective. For example, if I decide my neighbor is miffed with me, I will look for evidence that proves my conclusion. I may notice that she does not drop by as she once did, that she did not wave the last time we were both outside, and she said little when we ended up at the mailboxes at the same time. With this attitude, I will erode the friendship based on what I believe about myself and others. Where these beliefs come from goes so far back that I have no memory of forming them. They may come from a time in childhood when I decided based on the circumstances that I was not worthy of a healthy friendship, so when a relationship gets too close, I subconsciously sabotage it.

On the other hand, I could step out of my initial reaction to my neighbor’s behavior and open my mind to a different point of view. First of all, this would take a willingness to see things differently. Then I would need to explore new possibilities. The obvious place to start is to treat her the way I would like to be treated. If I go through the motions, but still clinging to my old beliefs either consciously or unconsciously, I am destined to end up with the same conclusion. Going through the motions of healing a negative situation is not enough. In fact, it may make an already bad scenario worse because I will inadvertently cling to my old mindset and only see the “facts” that support my original outlook. The reality is that my neighbor was dealing with major health problems, but if I had remained entrenched in my old mindset, I would never have reached out and discovered her behavior had nothing to do with me. In fact, her actions were a silent cry for friendship that I would never have decoded except by putting my initial reaction aside.

So the first step to changing how I see anything is a willingness to see it differently. When my three-month marriage ended in betrayal, I was terrified of recreating this same scenario with someone else, so I committed to understanding what drew me to that relationship, what part I played in creating it, and how I could change my mindset to never go there again. That was the beginning of the journey that led me to write Too Much Gold to Flush: The Gift of Infidelity. During the writing process, I shifted my thinking. I went from believing I was destined to live out the negative core belief that I formed as a child, to fully embracing the truth that I am the creator of my life. I am only limited by what I choose to believe.

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